i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
