dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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