The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
