Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Say something about gay babies.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
