Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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