cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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