I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I can't turn off my feet"
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Randomize
