I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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