This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Randomize
