Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
