All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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