Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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