so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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