I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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