He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
