All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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