he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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