you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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