Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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