and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
