***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
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