i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
