I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
