i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
