tonight lets celebrate not being married
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
