Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
