we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
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