at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
