he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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