I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
