its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
