Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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