I feel like I'm in dance class right now
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
