I can text with my tongue
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
