I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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