I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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