Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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