Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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