Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
