I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
