I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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