she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Sacagawea was the original milf.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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