this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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