OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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