I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
