....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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