Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
