I'm so fucking centered right now
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
