"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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