Need sex. Gaining weight.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Randomize
