On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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