My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
